We asked Aino for an abstract and she said “no”.

Why is it so difficult to say no?

Since we are small, no, feels like a rejection

Very ingrained in us that no is a bad thing

We should accept the no

No is a respect for the requester

For kids: A little no today saves 10 no’s later. Adults are just kids with bigger loans.

After the keynote you should be able to:

• Explain why you sometimes cannot say no
• Describe the “Layers of the no”
• Say no that won’t happen after an hour

Saying no is respecting yourself and the others.

And maybe making no the default.

Disasters from the past

• Titanic: if the captain had said no against the pressure to go faster and navigating more north
• Challenger: if the engineers would have said no against the political pressure

-> googling how to say no

-> the advise was at different layers

• just say no!
• Understand how to say no (in a respectful way)
• Learn to choose your “no”s (choosing what to say no to )
• Know your values and ideals (helps you choose what to say no to )
• Know who you are

Just say no!

Some people can say that naturally

Probably they went through all the layers

When they do say yes, you know they mean it, they are honest

• raise the price
• ignore the request: the many requests from LinkedIn
• acting weirdly

Understand how to say no

1. Express gratitude for the invite
2. Acknowledge its wonderful opportunity
3. Say you thought about the offer carefully
4. Point to why you need to say no
5. Wish them luck …

Categorical no: easier for people to understand

Reference to a commitment: people can understand

Or a Counteroffer

Don’t versus Can’t

I don’t implies a choice I can’t can be argued against

Should versus Could

I should implies that you feel bad/sorry if you do not I could implies that you have real options

=> Real Options, Chris Matts

• Options have value
• Options expire
• Never commit early unless you know why

-> delay the decision

Clear, concise and nice

Don’t say maybe, say yes or no, maybe is not very respectful

Don’t say yes if you mean no, not respectful

Be clear

Be nice, be respectful: thank them for the request

Study:

Giving the people the words to say no leads them to feel freer to say yes

Saying upfront to people they are allowed to say no, gives them the freedom to say no. It is really effective to give people the words to say no. Because people might not know how to say no.

Choose your “no”s

When you are saying yes to something (that might be of low priority) you are saying no to something else.

If I say yes, what does it imply for the future

Giving some time, delaying the answer, will make it a little bit easier. What does it imply?

If we say yes to everything, the yes is in fact a no

Values and Ideals

Compassion, Fame, family, environment, honesty, kindness, creativity, prestige, freedom, money, loyalty, happiness, courage, calm, animals

If we do not know what is important for ourselves, it will be difficult to say no

Ex. a speaker asking a ridiculous amount of money for speaking. When asked why: I want to spend time with my family. If I speak I am a week away from my family. So afterwards I want to take my family away and that costs that much money.

Are you saying no to yourself?

What if the train is already running? we said yes but … And we want to get off that train

It is really difficult to get off the train when it is running. But please, it is ok to get off the train!

Who are you

If we do not know who we are it is very difficult to do all of the above

because of …

• Affirmation
• Acceptance
• Approval

(being likeable, funny, …)

-> so difficult to say no

Most people won’t be able to say no after this keynote but at least we will understand why it is so difficult to say no

What can we do?

Make statistics of yes and no and reflect

• Why do we say yes?
• Find our priorities
• Make time for self-care

Practice assertiveness

-> once we say no to people that are used to get a yes, it will be quite a shock to them, our yes became a humans right

Delay our responses

-> it is respectful to say we need time

Offer alternatives

And enjoy the results!

What you should say NO to tomorrow?

Questions

Some cultures are really good at saying no. Other cultures can’t say no.

Saying sorry when saying no. It is not disrespectful to say no!